Mischief Managed
by Mireille DeMaupassant
Summary: The Marauders wake up to a surprise after a night out under the full moon. One-shot written for Diagon Alley II Forum's Grand Battle of Hogwarts Challenge - Round 2.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters!

AN: This ficlet was written for Round Two of Diagon Alley II Forum's Grand Battle of Hogwarts Challenge! Prompts were as follows:

Dialogue: "We could always dump the body in the lake and tell them the Giant Squid ate it." (4)

Character: Remus Lupin (5), Sirius Black (2)

Pairing: James/Sirius/Remus (5)

Creature: Merperson (2)

Word (1 each): Vomit, Resuscitate, Knickers, Fixate

Spell: Rennervate (5), Piertotem Locomotor (3)

**Mischief Managed**

Remus Lupin felt a distinct sense of lacking as he drifted into wakefulness. The thick scent of sweat, sex, and fur that he had grown accustomed to waking to was gone and he was missing the feeling of satisfaction that came from a night of indulging in his animal urges. Still blind to the morning's light, he reached out a hand, expecting it to fall upon one of the warm, moist bodies of his best friends, but what he found, however, was a puddle of something cold and slimy.

Without hesitation, he brought his fingers to his snout to sniff and gagged at the smell of rotting fish that coated his very human nostrils and mouth. His body immediately erupted into a coughing fit, as if it were trying to expel the awful stench by any possible means. He raised himself from the threadbare carpet and wrapped his arms around his body in an attempt to regain control of his breathing, but what he saw lying just beyond his preferred sleeping spot made it stop altogether...

~o~

Sirius Black was dreaming of the many ways three bodies, pulsing with the heady combination of residual animal instincts and teenage hormones, could come together under a full moon when he heard a dog barking next to him. He wanted to bark back, but seemed to have forgotten how, so he growled instead. The dog responded by pawing at his back.

"Sirius!" it grunted in between barks. "Sirius, wake up!"

He recognized its voice at once.

"Go away, Moony," Sirius muttered, curling himself into the lumpy cushions of the old sofa on which he was lying to escape the battery. Remus redoubled his efforts, grabbing Sirius with both hands and shaking him fiercely. Finally annoyed past the point of restraint, Sirius shot up. "By the stars, Moony, what? What is it?"

"Look!" Remus croaked, pointing to the floor in the center of the room.

He followed Remus's arm to the indicated place.

"Merlin's beard," he whispered upon seeing just what had his friend in a tizzy. "How did that get there?"

~o~

James Potter hated being woken up early on a Sunday, and he especially hated being woken by the voices of inconsiderate prats. He made to grab for one of his pillows to throw at them, but then realized that he wasn't in his four-poster bed in Gryffindor Tower; he was on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, using musty curtain as a blanket. Every inch of his body ached, but not in the pleasant way it usually did after a night out with the Marauders.

"Give it a rest, mates," he groaned as the last wisps of sleep slipped from his grasp. "We're not all morning people!"

"Er, Prongs," he heard Sirius say. "You're going to want to take a look at this."

"What?" James asked. "What could possibly be more appealing than sleeping until the next full moon?"

"Just come look, James," said Remus.

With a sigh of exasperation, he threw the curtain off and went to see what all the fuss was about. When his eyes fell upon the object of their interest, his jaw nearly dropped to the floor...

~o~

The three boys stood over the merman, completely fixated on his glossy gray skin, wild green hair, and long tail-fin covered with iridescent scales. He wasn't moving, wasn't breathing, and seemed to be secreting a thick, clear fluid.

"Where did he come from?" Sirius asked.

"Obviously, the lake, Padfoot," James answered.

"I know that! I meant how the hell did he get here?"

"Oh God," Remus moaned, "this is all my fault, isn't it? I must have lost control last night and—and—"

"Calm down, Moony," James said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Just look at him. If he'd been attacked by a werewolf, don't you think he'd be a little less...intact?"

"He doesn't exactly look or smell alive, though, Prongs," said Sirius.

"Well, maybe he's just unconscious! We could try to revive him!" He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his wand. "_Rennervate_!"

They all watched the merman anxiously for signs of movement.

"Got any other ideas?" Sirius asked after several seconds.

"We could try to resuscitate him...manually?" James suggested.

"You mean pressing on his chest like the muggles do to each other? That might do more harm than good."

"He must've been missing for hours, by now," said Remus miserably. "What if his family are looking for him?"

"We could always dump the body in the lake and tell them the Giant Squid ate it," Sirius muttered.

"Not helping, Padfoot," James reprimanded him through clenched teeth.

"Don't get your _knickers_ in a twist! I was only trying to lighten the mood."

"Padfoot's right," Remus said quietly.

"He is?" James asked.

"I am?" Sirius asked at the same time.

"Not about the Giant Squid, but we do have to return him to the lake. We owe him that much, at least."

"Oh," said James. "I suppose you're right." He raised his wand to the lifeless merman a second time. "_Piertotem Locomotor_!"

For the second time that morning, nothing came of James's spell.

"You've got to be joking!" he exclaimed.

"I guess merpeople are...immune to certain spells," said Remus.

"Well, what do we do now?"

~o~

"Merlin's beard, he's heavy," Sirius groaned as he crawled through the tunnel leading to the Whomp Willow, one hand under each of the merman's arms.

"And slippery," James chimed in from the rear, supporting the merman's tail-fin.

"It's just a few more feet to the opening," Remus called to them from in front. "He'll be easier to carry once we're out of the tunnel."

"Thank goodness," James said, "because if I don't get some fresh air soon, I'll vomit."

Ten agonizing minutes later, they reached the end of the tunnel. Remus passed through the entrance first and helped pull the merman out. After making sure the coast was clear, the three boys awkwardly carried him across the sun-soaked grounds, wishing they'd been able to use James's invisibility cloak. When they finally got to the lake, they were all panting heavily from the strain of their burden.

"So, should we just...toss him in?" Sirius asked.

"Let's lower him in gently." Remus said.

"Gently and quickly!" Sirius added.

They waded as far as they could into the shallows and released the merman. As soon as his gray skin hit the water, his body began to buck and flop, soaking James, Sirius, and Remus from head to toe. The merman dove under the dark water, swam around in a large circle and resurfaced, his yellow eyes wide open and shining bright. His lips parted and he uttered a series of happy screeching sounds. Then, he dove into the water once again and disappeared into its depths.

"What the hell was that about?" Sirius asked.

"No idea," Remus replied.

"What should we do now?"

The three friends shared a moment of contemplative silence.

"Breakfast?" James suggested.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other.

"Breakfast," they replied together, and they all sloshed back to land hoping their clothes would be dry by the time they reached the Great Hall.

AN: I literally wrote 90% of this as it came into my head over the past couple of hours. I am certain I broke every single writing rule I've ever learned. I apologize for nothing. MASSIVE SHOUTOUT OF GRATITUDE TO supertallscandanaviangiant FOR MAKING MAKING THIS WONDERFUL LITTLE BIT OF RIDICULOUSNESS POSSIBLE! YOU'VE DONE WONDERS FOR MY STREET CRED!


End file.
